【Dale Carnegie】 How to analyze and solve worry problems

I've just finished reading this book and I thought it was great. Here's a short video I found that summed up some good points about it. I'll be writing more about this in the future.

Book: How to win friends and influence people : Part 14

The Secret of Socrates

In this next chapter of Dale Carnegie’s famous book How to win friends and influence people we look at the power of “Yes”. When we start a conversation with someone we should start off by emphasizing what we agree on. It’s important to start by getting the first couple of yes’s out of the way. This set’s a positive and friendly tone. Overcoming a “no” answer is more difficult to do. The other person has already made a decision as a no answer implies. You have to overcome a person’s decision which is hard to do. If you get a yes your agreeing with them on an issue. Imagine it as a streak. When you get a string of “yes” responses they can build upon each other.

Dale Carnegie Principle:Get the other person to saying “yes,yes” immediately.

Next chapter: The Safety Valve In Handling Complaints

The Greatest Generation

Recently my wife got the sad news that her grandfather had passed away. At the same time a close friend lost theirs too. It kind of gave me a moment to reflect on grandparents and their generation.Both were members of what has been popularly known as the “Greatest Generation”.  I was talking to a friend today and he told me of a saying that when an older person passes away an encyclopedia of knowledge and experience goes with them. As a kid we may think of these people as just as our Grandparents who may shower us with affection, understand us when our parents don’t, or hug us when were down. At some point as we grow older we may come to understand who they are and what there experiences were. Why perhaps they may hold different values then us and think were crazy at times.

These two gentlemen lived through quite an historic period of time in our country and the world. They grew up in the depression, fought World War II, lived through the “Cold War”, Korean War, Elvis, Kennedy assassination, The Beatles, Vietnam,  and Watergate to name a few. They do in fact have an encyclopedia's worth of experience. Most of these things are but, things we read about in history books and movies. They lived through them first hand. The fact that they lived through it all is amazing feat. Its a privilege and an honor to have known them.

Many of them were humble and rarely spoke about what they had lived through. I spoke to a friend who’s father had been a World War II veteran in the Navy. Growing up there father rarely spoke of his experience. One day while watching a film(I believe it was Tora!Tora!Tora!) his father spoke up and described in detail how the airplanes were so low that they were killing sailors in the water with their propellers. He had been at Pearl Harbor when it was attacked. Even his wife had not heard him talk of this before.

What will be the great events of history we’ll be telling our children and our grandchildren? They almost seem insignificant in comparison of what this generation went through. As we go through our lives we go along raising families, working, playing and living a life. Perhaps that’s the idea, it was that they were just trying to live a life and dealt with as it came.

Book: How to win friends and influence people – Part 13

A Drop of Honey

In this chapter Dale Carnegie emphasizes the importance of starting off in a friendly way with people when meeting them. If you start off like gangbusters you may get there attention but, your unlikely to win them over to your point of view. It may even get you short term results but, more than likely you won’t win over any good will and long term results. Here is an excellent quote from the book(How to Win Friends and Influence People) that summed it up nicely:

If a man’s heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling toward you, you can’t win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in Christendom. Scolding parents and domineering bosses and husbands and nagging wives ought to realize  that people don’t want to change their minds. They can’t be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly.

I’m sure we’ve all have the picture in our minds of a drill instructor barking out orders and perhaps throwing the occasional trash can down the barracks hall(Yes my drill instructor did that). That may serve as an immediate attention getter and may even get immediate results in the short term. The workplace and friendships is not boot camp or a battlefield. Were interested in long term results and building friendships and goodwill. Here we can start using many of Dale’s previous tips like making others feel important and begin by talking about them and trying to understand them. I’ve found that many of Dale’s principles build upon another as they go along. Though each one may stand on it’s own merits.

Dale Carnegie Principle: Begin in a friendly way.

Next chapter: The Secret of Socrates

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How to win friends and influence people: Part 12

If you’re wrong, admit it.

The last post was about not saying if someone is wrong. This one is about admitting that you are wrong. This may seem like it’s self defeating. Many of us don’t like to admit it when we are wrong. When we are wrong we should admit it and get it out in the open. Many relationships have been destroyed because one or both sides can’t admit they are in the wrong. Also if you admit your responsibility it takes that issue away from others to use against you. 

Dale Carnegie uses the historical Gettysburg battle for an example which is a good one. At the height of the battle General Robert E. Lee ordered General George Pickett to make the now famous “Pickett’s Charge”. In all accounts the brave men of the south made the charge but, were turned back with horrible losses. General Lee had realized he made a mistake. He did what so few generals have done, he apologized to the troops. He rode out and said to his defeated troops “All this has been my fault, I and I alone have lost this battle.” That act speaks volumes about General Lee’s strength of character. He could have blamed many things that went wrong prior to that but he did not.

Dale Carnegie Principle: If you are wrong, admit it quickly  and emphatically.

Next Chapter: A Drop of Honey 

 

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John Lennon

What can be said about this man that hasn’t been said before? I was just beginning to learn about him when he was taken away from us in 1980. I can’t give any first hand accounts of him when he was with us. We live in the shadow of John Lennon. I only remember the media coverage and reaction to his death. The only one that compared to it was the passing of the “King” Elvis just a couple of years before.

John of course was an essential member from the most influential pop/rock group in history, The Beatles. I knew very little of his personal life before his passing. I learned much of his post Beatle years in the days (and years) after his death. Media coverage at the time was extensive. Newspapers, radio and television were saturated with news and  music of his work. I believe the recent passing of the “King of Pop” pails in comparison. Many at the time felt they lost a family member or close friend. Can that be said of the gloved wonder? I doubt it, unless you’ve got a demented family.

What I learned about since is that he was a human being prone mistakes. He married a woman he loved, though few understood it(she didn’t cause the Beatle’s split but, she didn’t help matters either.). Extremely gifted artist and musician. He spoke his mind with his biting wit.  He used his celebrity status to campaign for world peace.  He was also a father too, was he a good Dad? That depends on which son you talk too. I also believe he grew up with a lot of anger and sadness, which at the time of his death he was beginning to work through.

One can only imagine(pun intended) what he would think of today's world.

Happy Birthday John! Thank you!

October 9, 1940 – December 8, 1980

Life is just what happens to you,
While your busy making other plans…

-John Lennon “Beautiful boy(darling boy)”

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How to win friends and influence people : Part 11

A sure way of making enemies-and how to avoid it.

“You are wrong!” If you come right out say someone is wrong that is a sure fire way to make an enemy. That is the theme of the next chapter of Dale Carnegie’s famous book “How to win friends and influence people”.

It can be communicated either verbally or by visual cues. To blatantly come right out and say someone is wrong about something immediately puts them on the defensive. Even if you are 100% correct and have overwhelming evidence you have already insulted there intelligence. You may have won the battle but, you haven’t won over there hearts or minds. If anything they further entrench into there position.

To admit you may be wrong, you disarm the other person and they will be more likely admit that they may be wrong also. When you accuse someone of being wrong you may also bring on an argument (covered in previous post) which we want to avoid also. Even when we may admit to ourselves we are wrong, we don’t like it when someone rams the fact home.

Dale Carnegie Principle: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”

Next Chapter: If you’re wrong, admit it.

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How to Win Friends & Influence People : Part 10

This part of my continuing series on Dale Carnegie’s famous book “How to win friends and influence people”. We are now entering the third part of the book(four all together) called How to win people to your way of thinking. The first chapter in this section is called:

You can’t win an argument

If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will. – Benjamin Franklin (Quote used in book)

No doubt that some people actually enjoy arguing. They may achieve some success but, have they really one over the hearts and minds of their adversary. Even if someone were to win a hotly debated subject it’s not likely the loser has changed his mind and is perhaps just weary of the fight.  In the quest to win the heart and mind of another you must listen to the other side and make them feel important. Second you should also give your opponent a way to save face or a way to back down gracefully. If you embarrass or beat down someone in victory you hardly gain any influence on them(the point of the book).

Some guidelines are suggested(from an article quoted in the book):

• Welcome the disagreement.
• Distrust your first instinctive impression.
• Control your temper.
• Listen first.
• Look for areas of agreement.
• Be honest.
• Promise to think over your opponent’s ideas and study them carefully.
• Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest.
• Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem.

These may be tough to remember in the heat of the moment. I think the idea is to not get into a battle in the first place and back off. Many times agreeing with them first can take the opponents ammunition away and can cool things down where issues can be discussed sanely.

Dale’s Principle: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

Next chapter: A sure way of making enemies – and how to avoid it.

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